I hoisted myself up onto my tippy-toes so I could lean over the railing on my balcony. I looked down. Watch it, girl, you know you clumbsy and it’s hella icy out here. “You right,” I said out loud to no one in particular but myself. I lowered my heels and stuck my tongue out to catch a snowflake or two. Even though I hated being cold, I enjoyed the stillness of the snow. Life had been so hectic lately. I just wanted to return to a simpler time, even if only for a moment. It seemed like the only way I could slow down my pace was by being outside catching snowflakes, sunlight, and wind.
It felt like change was blowing in as swiftly as the December breeze across my cheeks. I was at a crossroads and the notification sounds coming from my phone refused to allow me to forget. So, what’s it gonna be? I had been presented with a choice, really an opportunity, that could alter my path…tremendously. I’m talking red pill, blue pill, you, know? Matrix-type of shit. I had been operating within this shell of myself for the past few years, as if the mold was there but I was partially filled with plaster. I was presenting the superficial me that I thought everybody wanted to see to the world around me meanwhile, my whole, entire soul was calling out from behind the filler. Psssssssssst! Psssssst…..aye, aye, let me out.
Let. Me. Out. I couldn’t place where the anxiety was coming from but I knew it was tied closely to my tendency to internalize negative notions. I justified this by telling myself a little doubt means it’s realistic but, I was starting to believe that less and less as the days passed. I did know that there would always be doubt. There would always be some aspect of fear. And, of course, I’ll never be able to escape judgement. My plaster was peeling, so I began to understand that the fear, the doubt, and all the judgement would never cease to exist, but, it didn’t have to come from me. Obviously, the world was already hard enough on me as it was.
My phone was vibrating violently towards the edge of the small table I had placed in the corner. I had a good mind to let it continue vibrating right off the table and onto the ground to shatter into a million little shards. This way, I could justify my failure to respond to any of the calls and text I had been receiving since that morning. I decided against it though, I would eventually need my phone. There was also no way that I was going to pay for a screen repair that I could have prevented — focus girl.
I snatched the phone off of the table, “hello?”
“Hey.”
“Hey…”
“Soooooo, are you doing it or what?” That question was met with silence. Could I? Should I? What if — “look, I know you’re worried about the outcome.”
“I am.” All I could think about was the past three years and how all the cycles of life that I had experienced led me right back to square one; I knew there had to be more than what was currently presenting itself as attainable. There had to be more. “I am, but I’m not ready.”
“Are we ever truly ready, though?” The voice on the other end began to go over details and logistics. I remember thinking they could really just send me all this shit in an email. I hit the speakerphone button and placed my phone back on the table while turning the volume down. I only needed to hear the tone inflictions to know when I should pick up the phone and pretend like I had been listening the whole time.
I walked back over to the rail, lifting myself onto my tippy-toes again. Girl, be careful, it’s icy as theeee fuck out here and — “I’m not afraid of falling,” I said to the snow.
“What was that?” I turned around to the table, quickly returning to reality.
“Oh, nothing, go ahead, I’m listening.” I turned back around and stuck out my tongue once more. I wanted another taste of calm before the whirlwind of change came to carry me away.
